Anglo9ija

Every time I want to advise rich people, I imagine them saying: "How come you aren't rich with all these your brilliant ideas?" In other words, when one tells me: "Mitty, I want to start a bottled-water company", I'm like "Cool story bro. That should be nice", when in fact I feel like saying "Chineke ekwela ihe ojo! Bottled-water company, in a recession, when former bottled-water drinkers are migrating to sachet water?" Don't blame me. I know how the game goes. When these guys talk plans, its mostly to just keep a discussion going, nothing more. Na too much advice dey bring insult. Nobi me dem go use shine. MO

There is always that strong shit, dense and defiant, that refuses to flush no matter how many times you twist the water knob. It just sits there, staring at you like “oga you no serious o!” You squeeze the knob again for one more flush, hoping the many cycles of water must have weakened it, but whossai. And then you pick up a full bucket of water, and with all the anger in you, ram it down the toilet bowl, and then it swims, dancing from side to side, while you pray: biko kwa, don’t make me fetch another bucket. And then it circles and disappears. What's funnier is that you let out a huge sigh of relief afterwards.  Can you imagine? A sigh of relief; that the shit is finally gone.  MO .

Uncomfortable truths travel with a great deal of difficulty. People have spent time rationalising why Tuface pulled out of the planned protest. With many suggesting they weren't disappointed. But the situation is what it is. I urge everyone to read up on Charles Novia and Temidayo Ahamnisi's take on this subject today and understand the implications of what Tuface's actions mean for his legacy. I was among the growing number of netizens who defended Tuface's involvement in the protest and held my breathe for what seemed an epochal moment. Alas, he pulled his head away from the plough. Predictably, much of the reaction to Tuface's action was one of sentiments, a la "if you're vexed, you go and protest yourself", "he has achieved a lot by merely popularising the protest", "leave Tuface alone, he was threatened", or "he's legacy is still intact". Such emotionalised responses mostly served to mask the fact that i...

ON RESPECT AND OUR FAULTY VALUE SYSTEM. This post is inspired by something I witnessed yesterday. I'm at this neighborhood barbershop, waiting for my turn. Seated on my left is this woman with an adorable daughter, not older than 7. On the woman's left is this burly fellow, chewing—rather loudly—on whatever had the unfortunate happenstance of ending up in his mouth. Man Utd's match is on TV, but no one seems interested in it. Everyone seems lost in the reticence of their minds Then it happens. A plastic wrapper—that transparent garb, branded with the colors of capitalism and western consumerism, that always betrays its content (the content now lost in the dreary chasm that is Mr. Burlyman's digestive tract)—slips from his fingers and lands on the floor.  The young girl picks it up and, probably reiterating what she was taught in school, hands it to Burlyman and says "unku, it is not good to litter the flo—" She barely finishes when her mom's...

"IF I HEAR PIM!" We all, at one point in our lives, must have experienced this (directly or otherwise) while growing up: you notice an older relative doing something your prepubescent mind informs you—based on what moral codes you were brought up with—is wrong. You cannot understand why he's engaged in something so wrong, and so brazenly at that. You approach him, for no other reason than to correct him. "brother, but this thing you're doing is not good" His palm, in a flash, connects with the back of your head, so fast that you're temporarily discombobulated—the sound produced by the slap resembling a sonic boom that you would be forgiven for thinking his hand, in reaching for the back of your head, broke the sound barrier. Tears well up in your eyes. You start to protest, fighting back the uncontrollable tears. Your protest is met with four words. Four words we're all so familiar with: If I hear pim! There's this premise—one inculca...

A national emergency should be declared on the current state of akara in this country. That shit too damn white on the inside these days. Too damn white it's like they put nothing in the beans but salt. Where's the spice and seasoning that gave akara it's naija swag? Where's that light-red colour you saw inside when you broke a hot one in two and watched the vapour rise before you like incense? Akara that used to be so rich, when you squeezed two in the centre of a bread loaf and took a bite, your eyes close on their own. Instead of looking to produce pencils by 2020, the goal should be how to rescue the almighty akara from its current deformation.

Dear custodian of African Culture, Have you risen with the sun this morning? If so, then doxology. You seem to be adept in stringing together a list of ideologies/actions that are totally alien to the African culture. For that I must salute your versatility. However, for posterity sake, kindly—and I hope it's not too much to ask—produce a comprehensive list, with diagrams and trend charts if possible, of everything African and exclusively African. I'm pretty sure this would aid your followers in identifying what ideologies to subscribe to—being an inherent part of their culture (keep in mind, while you do this, the sheer number of different cultures in Africa, some openly conflicting wi th others) and what to eschew. I would be most grateful if you accede to this request expediently. Warm regards. Yours truly, A confused African.