Anglo9ija

"You work a lot. You have some money, algo dinero. Maybe some beautiful women. But then they leave you, for somebody more handsome, with more dinero than you. When you end up in jail, the ones on the outside, who think they're clean, will insult you, but you will have ruled. They'll hate you, but you'll have bought yourself everything good in life, everything you wanted. You'll have the organisation behind you. It might happen that you suffer some, and maybe they'll even kill you. The organisation backs whoever's strongest, obviously. You can climb mountains with rules of the flesh, blood and money. But if you become weak, if you make a mistake, you're fucked. If you do good, you'll be rewarded, If you make a bad alliance; you're fucked; if you make a mistake in war, you're fucked; if you don't know how to hold on to power, you're fucked. But these wars are permitted. They are allowed. They are our wars. You might win and you mig...

One realises the kind of mindset our 'national' leaders have when one sees their response to ethnic issues. How would one explain that Rabiu Musa Kwankwaso left everything he was doing and went down to Ile Ife to became a self appointed mediator in the Ife crisis insisting that "justice must be done"? While it is absolutely wrong for there to have been such senseless carnage in the first place, one cannot but wonder how cat got His Excellency's distinguished tongue when dastard killings took place in Agatu, Southern Kaduna, Nassarawa, Zaki Biam and other places where herdsmen were reportedly the prime aggressors. There was no need for justice to be done in such situation. Those lives did not matter. Unwittingly, he has shown that his classification is in the category of the FFKs of this world: national by face, tribal by mind.

80% of Nigerians on social media don’t understand satire. Deep down, I think the number is a little higher. Something like 90%. But let me leave the 20% margin for those whose sole purpose on the comment section would be to scream “don’t generalise”. How much is your “don’t generalise” worth in Emefiele’s floated dollar? Alube! More than half the time here, I try to comically relieve myself though. Or relieve you. Whichever; I don’t even know. Only rarely does the frustration ever get to me. Majority of the time, even when extremely pissed about contemporary political issues, I look at the comical side of things. Is there a margin for humour, is there a way to look at the issue without going bat-shit-crazy? Is there a Mike Asukwo moment in all of this? Some get it, others foam at the mouth and write long-winded epistles like St Paul in his letter to the Corinthians. I read your monologue, oya see Premier League carry. For some of us, satire is life. It is like the last line of ...

You remember there was a time we used to joke that Nigerians loved life too much they can’t possibly kill themselves? No matter how hard life got, they just can’t do it. And then when the Nigerian underwear bomber--Abdulmutalab, recruited by Al-Qaeda to blow up a plane over Detroit bungled that operation, we laughed and said: “You see, didn’t we tell you? The one time a Nigerian was in a position to kill himself, he ended up burning his own dick”. And then Boko Haram came and cleared all our doubts. Men, women, strapped suicide vests on themselves and blew up in market places, in mosques, and other such public spaces. We laughed at Tee-Billz remember. We said: person wey wan kill himself dey call people? Tee-Billz called Banky to tell him he wanted to jump off a bridge. It didn’t mean he didn’t have it in him to jump. To even get there in the first place showed he was probably on the precipice. Let’s say there was however a niggling will to live. Without that friendly intervent...

In the last two years, I’ve tried to master the art of living for myself first. It is not a firewall against mental distress, but it keeps me away from the edge. It frees me from any sustained mental exhaustion. I’ve learnt to pause. Say damn it! I won’t respond to anything or anyone today. I can’t live happily, nor make anyone happy if I have clutters in my head. I used to allow way too much space for other people’s issue to become the centre of my attention. I would stress about deadlines, no matter how difficult and excruciating. No matter how mentally overwhelming. I was too concerned about keeping my word than preserving what I would call a personal and valuable mental space. People try to harry you, give you 25 missed calls to pressure you to get a job done. Occasionally, I have ghost-writing commitments to undertake. Mostly biographical stuff. I try to combine these commitments with the normal 9-5 thing. People don’t understand you can stare at your computer screen for...

They called Dr. Goodluck Jonathan 'clueless' and promised change but look at the change they brought! The same Nasir El-Rufai that called GEJ clueless now calls Muhammadu Buhari's administration clueless. All the good initiatives of Jonathan were destroyed. GEJ gave us YouWIN but PMB stopped it and today YOU LOSE as a Nigerian youth. GEJ brought the Presidential Special Scholarship Scheme for Innovations and Development to train First Class graduates abroad, they stopped it so you can't benefit yet PMB's kids school abroad. They fought GEJ tooth and nail over subsidy, calling it a scam, today they have increased petrol price and subsidy still remains. They said ₦199 to $1 under GEJ is "unacceptable", but ₦500 to $1 under PMB is acceptable. They said GEJ did not build infrastructure, yet PMB commissioned Abuja-Kaduna railway built and completed by GEJ. Can you now see that you are dealing with "desperate power-seekers with empty promises" as GEJ w...

The greatest waste of education is sitting in an office from 8 to 5 because of salary. Make education count. Start a business. And note that phones that aren't charged don't work well, cars that aren't fueled don't move well and men that do not pray don't work well. Finally, a woman who allows people taste her food before buying ends up feeding the whole market without selling a plate. A parable #RenosNuggets

Kaduna residents have been having sleepless nights and horrible days since the movement of the 'special breed of people' from Abuja to Kaduna, due to the Abuja Airport renovation. It is always nuisance siren, siren, siren polluting the serenity of Kaduna. In fact 40% of vehicles plying Kaduna township roads move with sirens: Senators, ministers, expatriates, paramilitary, military; in fact,  it is a competitive show of force: which siren is loudest! Even DPOs have installed sirens! They disobey traffic rules with reckless abandonment. Even when the traffic light is in red, they would bulldoze their black asses through, causing several accidents. To specialize Abuja people, the government has demolished some perceived 'illegal structures' just to window dress. These structures are what the poor and needy use to fight recession. Additionally, there's a plan to ban 'Okada', which could add to the alarming rate of crime in Kaduna. Notably, the routes t...

Editor’s note: This is the first of a two-part discussion with Promise Oghor on NextNaijaEntrepreneur.com. He tells us why he left his job with a bank to become a caterer, what has driven him to succeed and what sets him apart in the catering business. The second part is more of a practical discussion about how anyone can start and manage a successful catering business. I hope this inspires you to create something and prosper. My name is Promise Oghor, I’m from Delta state. I studied Mathematics/ Economics at the University of Benin and graduated in 2001. By the grace of God, I’m the CEO/Chef at Boundless PICK Ltd. We offer professional catering services for all outdoor/indoor events and occasions of all sizes and shapes. STARTING A CATERING BUSINESS… After my graduation, I got a job with a bank and was posted to Awka, in 2005. I worked till November 2010 when I resigned as a cash officer. I resigned because my wife and I worked in the same bank. One of us had to resign so I chose t...

DEAR MARRIED LADY 1. Dear Married Lady, Holy wives don't just speak in tongues. They cook super meals, they raise godly kids, wear hot dresses(for their husbands), they have mind blowing sex & still make Heaven. 2. Dear Married Lady, Forget about changing your husband. Just be an upgraded version of you with more value and sweetness. 3. Dear Married Lady, Look at your Husband with the lenses of righteousness in Christ Jesus. He may have some wrong doings but do not focus on the wrong doings but rather focus on the Christ in him. In other words, focus on his positives and not the negatives. Do this in wisdom! 4. Dear Married Lady, Familiarity has the tendency of taking things for granted: our family and especially our husbands Replace nagging with appreciation! 5. Dear Married Lady, Be the number one FAN of your husband. Support him in all his interest. Ensure you decree greatness in all his endeavours. Don't allow other ladies to do this for you. Be the first a...

DON'T LOOK DOWN ON PEOPLE It isn't a news again how late chief Jeremiah Obafemi Awolowo approached late chief Timothy Adeola Odutola , a business tycoon for a loan of £1,400(one thousand and four hundred pounds) in 1943 for further study in Law in England and how late chief Timothy Adeola Odutola declined to give him the loan. After a year later, out of determination, late chief Jeremiah Obafemi Awolowo was able to travel abroad in 1944 through another means. And in 1946,he became a barrister at Law and was called to the bar. In 1954, ten years later, the same late chief Jeremiah Obafemi Awolowo became the premier of the old Western Region, a premier was more or less a president, ruling over all the states under Western Region, that is, all the yoruba speaking States in Nigeria. While the same late chief Adeola Odutola who declined to give late chief Jeremiah Obafemi Awolowo a loan became a local government chairman under late chief Jeremiah Obafemi Awolowo who wasn't give...

Kementitis: a wilful and indecent urge to grope a female body, through the use of hands or other parts of the body, to feel a momentary burst of sexual high. Walk through the markets in Nigeria and see Kimentitis in full glare, right in the faces of a multitude who either see no evil or are too distracted to care. Go to A-Line in Ariaria Market and see gropers-in-chief. Go to Alaba. Go to Wuse Market. Sweaty traders, pulling, touching, dragging a young lady, “Aunty look here”, “Sister I get am for shop”, “Aunty come buy market now”, “Sister, na me dey call you now, see am here, see am.” Sometimes, in seeing a deluge of bodies, the readiness to touch the butt and not the hand quickly rises. Young lady is mobbed, and has no idea where the hand or hands are coming from. Go to Oshodi, Osisioma, or Aba Main Park. Kimentitis kicks into overdrive the moment a scuffle breaks between two females. Bus loaders, conductors, ndi ocho passengers, they make their way to break the fight, except ...

End of story. Beat your wife and go to jail. Force your daughter into marriage and go to jail. Don't feed your family when you can, and go to jail. Marry two when you can't afford it, and go to jail. May Allah grant Emir Sanusi more wisdom and long life. Ameen.

Mummy, Sisters, Aunties...... Pst Mrs Elizabeth Odion Fadiya gave me a counsel about marriage long before I got married and I have been holding on to It. She said " If You have a Sweet and Fruitful union, never ever assume it's by your strength or wisdom. Give the credit to God instead. Never assume that you are doing something better than other women that are facing hell in their marriage. This singlar act will shield your marriage in so many ways. Since I got married,  you won't catch me dishing out advice to other women on submission except completely inspired by the Holyspirit.  I have realised that  1. Circumstances,Personality ,background  etc differs. My experience is determined by the kind of man I am married to. It would be unfair  to measure other men by one man. I should only Preach about Submission as God's Mouthpiece and not as a Superior being because submission is a journey, I am daily facing the test. 2. Women that are truly submitti...

Business Entrepreneurship Richest Startups 50 Organizations That Will Give You Free Money To Start Your Business.   The most common complain among youths trying to launch a business in Nigeria, is lack of capital. What many youths do not realize, is that many organizations have millions of dollars set aside for the funding of small business enterprise. These organizations range from personal foundations, corporate CSR, government grants and other special grants. Some of the grants can fund any kind of business enterprise,while others are meant to encourage investment in certain sectors of the economy. For instance, some grants are for small businesses interested in green renewable energy or in ecological conservation projects. Some grants are also meant for NGO’s , Women or social enterprises. In any case, every young and aspiring entrepreneur, should be aware of all available sources of free capital and apply to relevant ones. Millionaires Academy aims to expose young Nigerian...

This is a complicated one. This thing they call Abuja girl. I’m sure it’ll divide opinion, but what doesn’t these days. Last weekend in the country’s capital, a female relative won’t hang with me. She didn’t give an outright No. The body language did. I don’t blame her one bit. It was for valid reasons. At least, that’s how I see it. It was supposed to be an all-expense paid evening outing, in one of Abuja’s great spots. My good man Gabriel Adeyemo wanted to host me, and whomever I showed up with. He doesn’t do like my white friends. He pays for everything. But my relative, a fine and charming fellow, continued to dither, till I got the memo. And off on my own I went. I was hurt. So bubbly a character, I rued the fact that she’d have coloured the night with her brilliance. While seated at the venue, I’d begin to appreciate why she may have preferred to stay home. Gossips fly quicker than Edo airlines in that little town. Her boyfriend may know she was there even before we’d l...

I just had an .epiphany. It's suddenly very clear. I now know why men would rather go out and "work for money" while their wives stay at home and tend to the home. 1. A man cannot see other women when he's in the kitchen cooking. This creates a big problem as it unbalances the forces that keep the universe together. Men have to go out. That way they can chase other women and restore a semblance of balance to the universe, using the magic wands between their legs. 2. The woman has to remain at home and cook, clean and wash. That way, she's so preoccupied, she cannot possibly run into him while he's "breadwinning" in different hotel rooms across the city. She also would not have time to make friends that can catch him 'working for money' in secret corners. If you subscribe to the theory that men are polygamous in nature, you'd immediately see why this makes sense. godswill vesta utong

ON THE PETITION AGAINST BB-NAIJA I saw a petition going round on social media asking the Nigerian National Assembly to ban the airing of the TV reality show, Big Brother Naija  (BB Naija) and I differ in opinion with the proponents of the petition. I will explain why. First, let me clarify that I do not watch the series, I do not think I will spare my time whether now or in the future to watch it, yet I will not ask for a legislation for its ban. Why? Simple. A TV show is both entertainment and business. Business thrives only when there is sustained patronage and a TV series lasts only when the viewership is sustained. This means that what needs to change is not essentially the programme but the interest shown by Nigerians in the programme. If the programme is starved of viewership, it would die a natural death. So, I say again, beyond the sanctimonious heckling, have we asked ourselves about what went wrong with us as a people? Not too long ago, families would gather aro...

The United Nations has granted 7 slots to the Officers of the Nigerian Peace Corps (NPC), to enable it participate in all United Nations meetings and conferences, including that of the General Assembly, for the year 2017. This was even as the Corps has successfully concluded its annual accreditation for the membership of the UN regular committee on Non Governmental Organisations (NGOs) for the current year. Addressing newsmen at the Nnamdi Azikiwe International Airport, Abuja, on Wednesday, the National Commandant of Nigerian Peace Corps, Amb. (Dr.) Dickson Akoh, said he led the NPC delegation to the 2017 regular session of the UN, to discuss issues of growth and development, as they relate to Nigerian Youths. "At the committee on Non Governmental Organisations level, emphasis this year, was focused on global partnership, synergy and cooperation involving civil society organisations, in pursuant to the attainment of the 2030 development agenda", Akoh said. According to th...

The power tussle between the the Nigeria Police Force and the newly inaugurated Peace Corps has taken a new dimension following the raiding and arresting of the national commandant of the corps, Ambassador Dickson Akoh. Police raid peace corp office in Abuja, arrests commandant Akoh was reportedly arrested close to midnight on Tuesday, February 28 after the police raided the national headquarters of the corps in Abuja. The corps, a youth-based organisation, came into force after it was given a nod by the National Assembly through a bill that was passed, but the police had allegedly kicked against the granting it a go-ahead to operate. READ ALSO: NSCDC, Peace Corps clash: Authorities make critical statements Daily Post reports that a training facility belonging to the Peace Corps in Kwara and Abuja had earlier been raided and shut by the police. Earlier on Tuesday when the corps was being formally inaugurated in the presence of the minister of Sports and Youths Development, membe...

I once took a girl to an art gallery in Abuja, and was left to rue my luck the whole night. Who send me message? That was three years ago though. She tried to tell me she wasn’t into all that art stuff. That she felt a little frightened by paintings. I said you ain’t seen art like the one we’re going to see. Kai, the more painful part was that she used her own mouth to say “Come oh, this boy, when are you taking me out for dinner sef?” That kain thing! You know, with a teasing, affectionate tone. You needed to have seen the mouth wey ask me this thing. Ol’ girl was mad pretty, with a perfect rotundity of hip and breast that made the knees quake. Because na she don dey post me since, you can imagine my delight when the request eventually came. Joyed that the gods of my ancestors were well and truly in my favour for the nwa to give me a chance, I had no idea witches and wizards that pervaded the Naija atmosphere won’t let me be great. Instead to just find better place carry the a...

*Building A lasting Relationship Is Hard Work* I have discovered that love doesn't guarantee the success of a relationship. Love cannot help you stick to one person all year round, and on the other hand, cheating isn't always a product of not loving your partner. In fact, loving someone doesn't guarantee not falling in love with someone else. Relationships work out mostly because of our head not our heart. It works out because of our emotional maturity, empathetic intelligence and self discipline because, time will come when you'll see more beautiful, handsome, romantic, intelligent, sexy, rich, curvy and God fearing people than the one you're in a relationship with. In those times, love will not help you; self control will help you, emotional intelligence will come to your rescue and commitment will keep you going. With those characteristics, no matter how you feel for someone else, the person you're committed to will rank first in your life. You think happ...

Nothing beats the sight of a Nigerian big man who thought he had played you, only to end up needing you few years down the line. Especially those money-miss-road specie who struggle to fit their belly inside their shirt so much, you wonder if the tailor didn’t take their measurement. So 2014. Big man wanted to take time out, for the first time in his life to go on holiday with his wife and 4 kids. Never travelled in his life. Passport more virgin than Virginia. Has no time for the paperwork, let alone those of his family. Big man raises the topic with my Dad, and says he wants Dubai. Shocked, my old boy asks how? For all your money, aren’t there better places for vacay? Big man says he hasn’t got a clue, and all these so called better places have too much paperwork involved. My son can assist you, old boy tells him, but you know, you gotta appreciate him well for the effort. Big man says OK, I want Eliza. Fine, I say. I’ll tidy up the forms, ensure your documents are right, ensur...

African passports: The powerful, the weak and the (now) barred from the US by Kate Douglas on '30 January 2017' On Friday US President Donald Trump signed an executive order that barred citizens of seven nations from accessing a US visa to enter the country, effective immediately. Among these are citizens of the African countries Libya, Sudan and Somalia. These countries already have some of Africa’s weakest passports, according to the Arton Capital’s Passport Index, which ranks national passports by how easily they can visit other territories – either without a visa or with a visa on arrival. There are only 37 countries globally a Libyan passport has easy access to, while there are 36 for Sudan and 30 for Somalia (which is ranked the country with the weakest passport in Africa and fifth-weakest in the world). I nterestingly these African countries are also some of the world’s least welcoming – meaning they don’t allow many others in visa-free or visa-on-arrival. Somalia i...

I was once told that using the grinding stone was the way to go. I have heard also that a wise African woman was not supposed to wash with a washing machine,... Our religion, our way of life spells hardship. If u are not living the hard life u are not a correct African.  Hence the controversy that still exist on vaginal birth via CS.  The screaming, yelling and mind blanking pain is still argued as the way to go even God said so. The blackmailing tool. I stumbled on a utility shop on instagram and like damn why did they born me for this country. Doing the conversion to Naria sef did nothing but dampen my spirit more.  Oyibo build things with enjoyment and ease in mind. They take ur passion,desires and create a home for u. Na house wey I no get light wey I go get light glowing center table. Enough of the day dreaming, until I can afford voice sensitive blenders,  make I go start to use to grinding stone😀 it's a long cooking process.

In Naija, when someone tells you “come let’s have lunch” tomorrow at Chicken Republic, you grin yourself to the location, with an empty pocket. Because, not only would you eat on a free, your host is likely to in fact pay your taxi back home, afraid you may have become too heavy to walk. In “the abroad”, when your oyibo friend tells you “come let’s have lunch” tomorrow at Nandos, you had better not start thinking the MENU belonged notoriously to you, and the bill, exclusively on him. No. You cannot do this. I almost learned the hard way on a wintry December noon at Covent Garden. This Norwegian friend had continued to moan that each time I came into town, I vamoosed without a word. How could I have known that his “come let’s have lunch” was on per-head billing? This thing they say about listening to the solemn inner voice. Works like fuck. I tucked 30 pounds in my pocket, money I scarcely had, as I’d only planned to see a Chelsea game the next day, and return to the idyllic Ab...

A nation that forgave a certain Muhammadu and made him president has no moral scaffold to stand on and condemn James Ibori who served a six-year prison term for his crime. If your grouse is that he sought to celebrate his freedom, then look around you properly, and see the other crooks you celebrate, from the Lagos strong man, to the Kaduna short man, down to your Daddys and GOs who emotionally manipulate the ignorant and vulnerable and part with their money; look to the very cabinet of the "incorruptible one" that presides over you at the very top, the one who cleared his grass-cutting staff from all wrong doing, look to your cowardice in the face of these staggering stealing, and talk about something else. In the face of soaring prices of food and commodity, in the face of a currency that is continuously turning to mush, in the face of near genocidal onslaughts in Kaduna, in the face of everything that should make a people squirm in horror, Ibori is the least of your proble...

I swear, nothing boils the blood like reading all these people backtracking on having supported or championed Buhari's emergence. I mean, cut the bullshit. Spare us. I beg you, n'ihu chukwu na mmadu, Please. Spare. Us. Instead of scribbling these articles taking it all back, why don't you lot just shut your face. Just be quiet. You make it so hard to endure the hardship. You make it so hard to grieve for a future that seems bleak and stolen. You were convinced he was the shit; fine. You didn't have an alternative; fine, we hear you. Leave it there. Don't take it back. Don't say you regret it. You sound foolish. You are annoying. Go away.

#EXCERPT "Yes I can find someone that looks better, cooks better, freakier, more submissive, with a few more curves, a few less blemishes, etc. But I don't want someone else. I want YOU. I have scars that no one else understands, but you do. We have memories worth holding on to that we can use to teach our kids how to love their wives and husbands. I don't want to keep starting over with a new face every time something goes wrong or the grass seems a little greener on the other side. I want OUR grass, OUR lawn, one house, and two cars...for US. I don't care what else is out there. Our relationship can only be affected by what goes on between us. What's outside is irrelevant. I know, we're both flawed as hell. But instead of always moving on when things get rough, how about you grab my a little tighter, and we make this thing work. We deserve the effort. Our love is worth it.." -A Cheating Man's Heart Novel Series -> https://goo.gl/jk8Fow

I discovered too late that I was too close to the car ahead of me.  the driver seemed to be in close relation with the officer on the road.  with a hiss,  I made to turn away from the obstruction on the road.  will I call it wrong or right timing because as I made it almost out,  the car ahead pulled away then I heard the officer shout reaching for his gun.  'madam,  if you move I will shoot you'. with adrenaline surging,  I struggled to have a smile up hiding my fear and disgust.  he entered my vehicle.  I reached out for my car particulars assuming that's what he is in for. he looked round and then said ' madam find me something we Don dey for sun since'.  I scowled within and reached for my purse.  1000 naria was out,  I wanted him gone.  he held unto my hand and said ' for this act,  God bless u.  if I had liver,  I would have shoved him off with a spit but I am supposed to be a lady and he is th...

On a quiet night like this, an oyibo girl (white girl)  wooed me, only to threaten me with police the next day. How could I have known it was all a game. Ol’ girl was fine ass hell, and had an ass you couldn’t look at with your mouth closed. In my mind I was like: where and how did that come about?  Maka chukwu, still staring, I asked: how did all that come to plant itself so notoriously on the rear end of nwa bekee. You are so cute, I love your attire. She told me. He’s a stylish man isn’t he, she would tell her friend. Nwa bekee literally stopped me in my tracks. Pulled up a phone and asked her friend to take a photo. Not to thump my chest though, I was dope as fuck on that day. I had just landed Wales three weeks ago. I had this wicked Gucci shoes on, a River Island pant, a blue and white stripe shirt, and some sick wool jacket I bought off E-bay. I bounced majestically on the promenade, beneath the yellow evening lights overlooking the Cardigan Bay. Take my number,...