Anglo9ija

"You work a lot. You have some money, algo dinero. Maybe some beautiful women. But then they leave you, for somebody more handsome, with more dinero than you. When you end up in jail, the ones on the outside, who think they're clean, will insult you, but you will have ruled. They'll hate you, but you'll have bought yourself everything good in life, everything you wanted. You'll have the organisation behind you. It might happen that you suffer some, and maybe they'll even kill you. The organisation backs whoever's strongest, obviously. You can climb mountains with rules of the flesh, blood and money. But if you become weak, if you make a mistake, you're fucked. If you do good, you'll be rewarded, If you make a bad alliance; you're fucked; if you make a mistake in war, you're fucked; if you don't know how to hold on to power, you're fucked. But these wars are permitted. They are allowed. They are our wars. You might win and you mig...

One realises the kind of mindset our 'national' leaders have when one sees their response to ethnic issues. How would one explain that Rabiu Musa Kwankwaso left everything he was doing and went down to Ile Ife to became a self appointed mediator in the Ife crisis insisting that "justice must be done"? While it is absolutely wrong for there to have been such senseless carnage in the first place, one cannot but wonder how cat got His Excellency's distinguished tongue when dastard killings took place in Agatu, Southern Kaduna, Nassarawa, Zaki Biam and other places where herdsmen were reportedly the prime aggressors. There was no need for justice to be done in such situation. Those lives did not matter. Unwittingly, he has shown that his classification is in the category of the FFKs of this world: national by face, tribal by mind.

80% of Nigerians on social media don’t understand satire. Deep down, I think the number is a little higher. Something like 90%. But let me leave the 20% margin for those whose sole purpose on the comment section would be to scream “don’t generalise”. How much is your “don’t generalise” worth in Emefiele’s floated dollar? Alube! More than half the time here, I try to comically relieve myself though. Or relieve you. Whichever; I don’t even know. Only rarely does the frustration ever get to me. Majority of the time, even when extremely pissed about contemporary political issues, I look at the comical side of things. Is there a margin for humour, is there a way to look at the issue without going bat-shit-crazy? Is there a Mike Asukwo moment in all of this? Some get it, others foam at the mouth and write long-winded epistles like St Paul in his letter to the Corinthians. I read your monologue, oya see Premier League carry. For some of us, satire is life. It is like the last line of ...

You remember there was a time we used to joke that Nigerians loved life too much they can’t possibly kill themselves? No matter how hard life got, they just can’t do it. And then when the Nigerian underwear bomber--Abdulmutalab, recruited by Al-Qaeda to blow up a plane over Detroit bungled that operation, we laughed and said: “You see, didn’t we tell you? The one time a Nigerian was in a position to kill himself, he ended up burning his own dick”. And then Boko Haram came and cleared all our doubts. Men, women, strapped suicide vests on themselves and blew up in market places, in mosques, and other such public spaces. We laughed at Tee-Billz remember. We said: person wey wan kill himself dey call people? Tee-Billz called Banky to tell him he wanted to jump off a bridge. It didn’t mean he didn’t have it in him to jump. To even get there in the first place showed he was probably on the precipice. Let’s say there was however a niggling will to live. Without that friendly intervent...

In the last two years, I’ve tried to master the art of living for myself first. It is not a firewall against mental distress, but it keeps me away from the edge. It frees me from any sustained mental exhaustion. I’ve learnt to pause. Say damn it! I won’t respond to anything or anyone today. I can’t live happily, nor make anyone happy if I have clutters in my head. I used to allow way too much space for other people’s issue to become the centre of my attention. I would stress about deadlines, no matter how difficult and excruciating. No matter how mentally overwhelming. I was too concerned about keeping my word than preserving what I would call a personal and valuable mental space. People try to harry you, give you 25 missed calls to pressure you to get a job done. Occasionally, I have ghost-writing commitments to undertake. Mostly biographical stuff. I try to combine these commitments with the normal 9-5 thing. People don’t understand you can stare at your computer screen for...

They called Dr. Goodluck Jonathan 'clueless' and promised change but look at the change they brought! The same Nasir El-Rufai that called GEJ clueless now calls Muhammadu Buhari's administration clueless. All the good initiatives of Jonathan were destroyed. GEJ gave us YouWIN but PMB stopped it and today YOU LOSE as a Nigerian youth. GEJ brought the Presidential Special Scholarship Scheme for Innovations and Development to train First Class graduates abroad, they stopped it so you can't benefit yet PMB's kids school abroad. They fought GEJ tooth and nail over subsidy, calling it a scam, today they have increased petrol price and subsidy still remains. They said ₦199 to $1 under GEJ is "unacceptable", but ₦500 to $1 under PMB is acceptable. They said GEJ did not build infrastructure, yet PMB commissioned Abuja-Kaduna railway built and completed by GEJ. Can you now see that you are dealing with "desperate power-seekers with empty promises" as GEJ w...

The greatest waste of education is sitting in an office from 8 to 5 because of salary. Make education count. Start a business. And note that phones that aren't charged don't work well, cars that aren't fueled don't move well and men that do not pray don't work well. Finally, a woman who allows people taste her food before buying ends up feeding the whole market without selling a plate. A parable #RenosNuggets

Kaduna residents have been having sleepless nights and horrible days since the movement of the 'special breed of people' from Abuja to Kaduna, due to the Abuja Airport renovation. It is always nuisance siren, siren, siren polluting the serenity of Kaduna. In fact 40% of vehicles plying Kaduna township roads move with sirens: Senators, ministers, expatriates, paramilitary, military; in fact,  it is a competitive show of force: which siren is loudest! Even DPOs have installed sirens! They disobey traffic rules with reckless abandonment. Even when the traffic light is in red, they would bulldoze their black asses through, causing several accidents. To specialize Abuja people, the government has demolished some perceived 'illegal structures' just to window dress. These structures are what the poor and needy use to fight recession. Additionally, there's a plan to ban 'Okada', which could add to the alarming rate of crime in Kaduna. Notably, the routes t...

Editor’s note: This is the first of a two-part discussion with Promise Oghor on NextNaijaEntrepreneur.com. He tells us why he left his job with a bank to become a caterer, what has driven him to succeed and what sets him apart in the catering business. The second part is more of a practical discussion about how anyone can start and manage a successful catering business. I hope this inspires you to create something and prosper. My name is Promise Oghor, I’m from Delta state. I studied Mathematics/ Economics at the University of Benin and graduated in 2001. By the grace of God, I’m the CEO/Chef at Boundless PICK Ltd. We offer professional catering services for all outdoor/indoor events and occasions of all sizes and shapes. STARTING A CATERING BUSINESS… After my graduation, I got a job with a bank and was posted to Awka, in 2005. I worked till November 2010 when I resigned as a cash officer. I resigned because my wife and I worked in the same bank. One of us had to resign so I chose t...

DEAR MARRIED LADY 1. Dear Married Lady, Holy wives don't just speak in tongues. They cook super meals, they raise godly kids, wear hot dresses(for their husbands), they have mind blowing sex & still make Heaven. 2. Dear Married Lady, Forget about changing your husband. Just be an upgraded version of you with more value and sweetness. 3. Dear Married Lady, Look at your Husband with the lenses of righteousness in Christ Jesus. He may have some wrong doings but do not focus on the wrong doings but rather focus on the Christ in him. In other words, focus on his positives and not the negatives. Do this in wisdom! 4. Dear Married Lady, Familiarity has the tendency of taking things for granted: our family and especially our husbands Replace nagging with appreciation! 5. Dear Married Lady, Be the number one FAN of your husband. Support him in all his interest. Ensure you decree greatness in all his endeavours. Don't allow other ladies to do this for you. Be the first a...

DON'T LOOK DOWN ON PEOPLE It isn't a news again how late chief Jeremiah Obafemi Awolowo approached late chief Timothy Adeola Odutola , a business tycoon for a loan of £1,400(one thousand and four hundred pounds) in 1943 for further study in Law in England and how late chief Timothy Adeola Odutola declined to give him the loan. After a year later, out of determination, late chief Jeremiah Obafemi Awolowo was able to travel abroad in 1944 through another means. And in 1946,he became a barrister at Law and was called to the bar. In 1954, ten years later, the same late chief Jeremiah Obafemi Awolowo became the premier of the old Western Region, a premier was more or less a president, ruling over all the states under Western Region, that is, all the yoruba speaking States in Nigeria. While the same late chief Adeola Odutola who declined to give late chief Jeremiah Obafemi Awolowo a loan became a local government chairman under late chief Jeremiah Obafemi Awolowo who wasn't give...

Kementitis: a wilful and indecent urge to grope a female body, through the use of hands or other parts of the body, to feel a momentary burst of sexual high. Walk through the markets in Nigeria and see Kimentitis in full glare, right in the faces of a multitude who either see no evil or are too distracted to care. Go to A-Line in Ariaria Market and see gropers-in-chief. Go to Alaba. Go to Wuse Market. Sweaty traders, pulling, touching, dragging a young lady, “Aunty look here”, “Sister I get am for shop”, “Aunty come buy market now”, “Sister, na me dey call you now, see am here, see am.” Sometimes, in seeing a deluge of bodies, the readiness to touch the butt and not the hand quickly rises. Young lady is mobbed, and has no idea where the hand or hands are coming from. Go to Oshodi, Osisioma, or Aba Main Park. Kimentitis kicks into overdrive the moment a scuffle breaks between two females. Bus loaders, conductors, ndi ocho passengers, they make their way to break the fight, except ...

End of story. Beat your wife and go to jail. Force your daughter into marriage and go to jail. Don't feed your family when you can, and go to jail. Marry two when you can't afford it, and go to jail. May Allah grant Emir Sanusi more wisdom and long life. Ameen.

Mummy, Sisters, Aunties...... Pst Mrs Elizabeth Odion Fadiya gave me a counsel about marriage long before I got married and I have been holding on to It. She said " If You have a Sweet and Fruitful union, never ever assume it's by your strength or wisdom. Give the credit to God instead. Never assume that you are doing something better than other women that are facing hell in their marriage. This singlar act will shield your marriage in so many ways. Since I got married,  you won't catch me dishing out advice to other women on submission except completely inspired by the Holyspirit.  I have realised that  1. Circumstances,Personality ,background  etc differs. My experience is determined by the kind of man I am married to. It would be unfair  to measure other men by one man. I should only Preach about Submission as God's Mouthpiece and not as a Superior being because submission is a journey, I am daily facing the test. 2. Women that are truly submitti...

Business Entrepreneurship Richest Startups 50 Organizations That Will Give You Free Money To Start Your Business.   The most common complain among youths trying to launch a business in Nigeria, is lack of capital. What many youths do not realize, is that many organizations have millions of dollars set aside for the funding of small business enterprise. These organizations range from personal foundations, corporate CSR, government grants and other special grants. Some of the grants can fund any kind of business enterprise,while others are meant to encourage investment in certain sectors of the economy. For instance, some grants are for small businesses interested in green renewable energy or in ecological conservation projects. Some grants are also meant for NGO’s , Women or social enterprises. In any case, every young and aspiring entrepreneur, should be aware of all available sources of free capital and apply to relevant ones. Millionaires Academy aims to expose young Nigerian...

This is a complicated one. This thing they call Abuja girl. I’m sure it’ll divide opinion, but what doesn’t these days. Last weekend in the country’s capital, a female relative won’t hang with me. She didn’t give an outright No. The body language did. I don’t blame her one bit. It was for valid reasons. At least, that’s how I see it. It was supposed to be an all-expense paid evening outing, in one of Abuja’s great spots. My good man Gabriel Adeyemo wanted to host me, and whomever I showed up with. He doesn’t do like my white friends. He pays for everything. But my relative, a fine and charming fellow, continued to dither, till I got the memo. And off on my own I went. I was hurt. So bubbly a character, I rued the fact that she’d have coloured the night with her brilliance. While seated at the venue, I’d begin to appreciate why she may have preferred to stay home. Gossips fly quicker than Edo airlines in that little town. Her boyfriend may know she was there even before we’d l...

I just had an .epiphany. It's suddenly very clear. I now know why men would rather go out and "work for money" while their wives stay at home and tend to the home. 1. A man cannot see other women when he's in the kitchen cooking. This creates a big problem as it unbalances the forces that keep the universe together. Men have to go out. That way they can chase other women and restore a semblance of balance to the universe, using the magic wands between their legs. 2. The woman has to remain at home and cook, clean and wash. That way, she's so preoccupied, she cannot possibly run into him while he's "breadwinning" in different hotel rooms across the city. She also would not have time to make friends that can catch him 'working for money' in secret corners. If you subscribe to the theory that men are polygamous in nature, you'd immediately see why this makes sense. godswill vesta utong

ON THE PETITION AGAINST BB-NAIJA I saw a petition going round on social media asking the Nigerian National Assembly to ban the airing of the TV reality show, Big Brother Naija  (BB Naija) and I differ in opinion with the proponents of the petition. I will explain why. First, let me clarify that I do not watch the series, I do not think I will spare my time whether now or in the future to watch it, yet I will not ask for a legislation for its ban. Why? Simple. A TV show is both entertainment and business. Business thrives only when there is sustained patronage and a TV series lasts only when the viewership is sustained. This means that what needs to change is not essentially the programme but the interest shown by Nigerians in the programme. If the programme is starved of viewership, it would die a natural death. So, I say again, beyond the sanctimonious heckling, have we asked ourselves about what went wrong with us as a people? Not too long ago, families would gather aro...

The United Nations has granted 7 slots to the Officers of the Nigerian Peace Corps (NPC), to enable it participate in all United Nations meetings and conferences, including that of the General Assembly, for the year 2017. This was even as the Corps has successfully concluded its annual accreditation for the membership of the UN regular committee on Non Governmental Organisations (NGOs) for the current year. Addressing newsmen at the Nnamdi Azikiwe International Airport, Abuja, on Wednesday, the National Commandant of Nigerian Peace Corps, Amb. (Dr.) Dickson Akoh, said he led the NPC delegation to the 2017 regular session of the UN, to discuss issues of growth and development, as they relate to Nigerian Youths. "At the committee on Non Governmental Organisations level, emphasis this year, was focused on global partnership, synergy and cooperation involving civil society organisations, in pursuant to the attainment of the 2030 development agenda", Akoh said. According to th...

The power tussle between the the Nigeria Police Force and the newly inaugurated Peace Corps has taken a new dimension following the raiding and arresting of the national commandant of the corps, Ambassador Dickson Akoh. Police raid peace corp office in Abuja, arrests commandant Akoh was reportedly arrested close to midnight on Tuesday, February 28 after the police raided the national headquarters of the corps in Abuja. The corps, a youth-based organisation, came into force after it was given a nod by the National Assembly through a bill that was passed, but the police had allegedly kicked against the granting it a go-ahead to operate. READ ALSO: NSCDC, Peace Corps clash: Authorities make critical statements Daily Post reports that a training facility belonging to the Peace Corps in Kwara and Abuja had earlier been raided and shut by the police. Earlier on Tuesday when the corps was being formally inaugurated in the presence of the minister of Sports and Youths Development, membe...