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Zero Zero Zero

"You work a lot. You have some money, algo dinero. Maybe some beautiful women. But then they leave you, for somebody more handsome, with more dinero than you. When you end up in jail, the ones on the outside, who think they're clean, will insult you, but you will have ruled. They'll hate you, but you'll have bought yourself everything good in life, everything you wanted. You'll have the organisation behind you. It might happen that you suffer some, and maybe they'll even kill you. The organisation backs whoever's strongest, obviously. You can climb mountains with rules of the flesh, blood and money. But if you become weak, if you make a mistake, you're fucked. If you do good, you'll be rewarded, If you make a bad alliance; you're fucked; if you make a mistake in war, you're fucked; if you don't know how to hold on to power, you're fucked. But these wars are permitted. They are allowed. They are our wars. You might win and you mig...
Recent posts

national by face, tribal by mind.(Kwankwaso)

One realises the kind of mindset our 'national' leaders have when one sees their response to ethnic issues. How would one explain that Rabiu Musa Kwankwaso left everything he was doing and went down to Ile Ife to became a self appointed mediator in the Ife crisis insisting that "justice must be done"? While it is absolutely wrong for there to have been such senseless carnage in the first place, one cannot but wonder how cat got His Excellency's distinguished tongue when dastard killings took place in Agatu, Southern Kaduna, Nassarawa, Zaki Biam and other places where herdsmen were reportedly the prime aggressors. There was no need for justice to be done in such situation. Those lives did not matter. Unwittingly, he has shown that his classification is in the category of the FFKs of this world: national by face, tribal by mind.

80% of Nigerians on social media don’t understand satire

80% of Nigerians on social media don’t understand satire. Deep down, I think the number is a little higher. Something like 90%. But let me leave the 20% margin for those whose sole purpose on the comment section would be to scream “don’t generalise”. How much is your “don’t generalise” worth in Emefiele’s floated dollar? Alube! More than half the time here, I try to comically relieve myself though. Or relieve you. Whichever; I don’t even know. Only rarely does the frustration ever get to me. Majority of the time, even when extremely pissed about contemporary political issues, I look at the comical side of things. Is there a margin for humour, is there a way to look at the issue without going bat-shit-crazy? Is there a Mike Asukwo moment in all of this? Some get it, others foam at the mouth and write long-winded epistles like St Paul in his letter to the Corinthians. I read your monologue, oya see Premier League carry. For some of us, satire is life. It is like the last line of ...

we really don’t care. Not us. Not our government

You remember there was a time we used to joke that Nigerians loved life too much they can’t possibly kill themselves? No matter how hard life got, they just can’t do it. And then when the Nigerian underwear bomber--Abdulmutalab, recruited by Al-Qaeda to blow up a plane over Detroit bungled that operation, we laughed and said: “You see, didn’t we tell you? The one time a Nigerian was in a position to kill himself, he ended up burning his own dick”. And then Boko Haram came and cleared all our doubts. Men, women, strapped suicide vests on themselves and blew up in market places, in mosques, and other such public spaces. We laughed at Tee-Billz remember. We said: person wey wan kill himself dey call people? Tee-Billz called Banky to tell him he wanted to jump off a bridge. It didn’t mean he didn’t have it in him to jump. To even get there in the first place showed he was probably on the precipice. Let’s say there was however a niggling will to live. Without that friendly intervent...

Find your own peace. Free up some mental space for yourself

In the last two years, I’ve tried to master the art of living for myself first. It is not a firewall against mental distress, but it keeps me away from the edge. It frees me from any sustained mental exhaustion. I’ve learnt to pause. Say damn it! I won’t respond to anything or anyone today. I can’t live happily, nor make anyone happy if I have clutters in my head. I used to allow way too much space for other people’s issue to become the centre of my attention. I would stress about deadlines, no matter how difficult and excruciating. No matter how mentally overwhelming. I was too concerned about keeping my word than preserving what I would call a personal and valuable mental space. People try to harry you, give you 25 missed calls to pressure you to get a job done. Occasionally, I have ghost-writing commitments to undertake. Mostly biographical stuff. I try to combine these commitments with the normal 9-5 thing. People don’t understand you can stare at your computer screen for...

Dr. Goodluck Jonathan 'clueless now

They called Dr. Goodluck Jonathan 'clueless' and promised change but look at the change they brought! The same Nasir El-Rufai that called GEJ clueless now calls Muhammadu Buhari's administration clueless. All the good initiatives of Jonathan were destroyed. GEJ gave us YouWIN but PMB stopped it and today YOU LOSE as a Nigerian youth. GEJ brought the Presidential Special Scholarship Scheme for Innovations and Development to train First Class graduates abroad, they stopped it so you can't benefit yet PMB's kids school abroad. They fought GEJ tooth and nail over subsidy, calling it a scam, today they have increased petrol price and subsidy still remains. They said ₦199 to $1 under GEJ is "unacceptable", but ₦500 to $1 under PMB is acceptable. They said GEJ did not build infrastructure, yet PMB commissioned Abuja-Kaduna railway built and completed by GEJ. Can you now see that you are dealing with "desperate power-seekers with empty promises" as GEJ w...

Nigeria great waste of education

The greatest waste of education is sitting in an office from 8 to 5 because of salary. Make education count. Start a business. And note that phones that aren't charged don't work well, cars that aren't fueled don't move well and men that do not pray don't work well. Finally, a woman who allows people taste her food before buying ends up feeding the whole market without selling a plate. A parable #RenosNuggets